horrible thursday ):

it's really horrible today. really.

we spent the first 5 periods doing nothing. occasionally, we went to 4ea's classrom. ocassionally we went to watch the basketball match. i found out my bio paper 1 marks. i didn't do too badly. but..

the next four periods after recess were really really horrible. mrs vannan came in. she told us how disappointed she is in us. how badly we score in amaths. how those who were able to score did not even get a distinction. 4ea alone got 14 distinctions, 5 failures. our class? only 9 passes. as soon as i heard that, my eyes welled up with tears. her tone, her expression. i don't even dare to look at her. she then spent the rest of the two periods writing the answer of amaths paper one on the board. and we copy. she didn't even talk to us. whatever instruction she want to give us, she wrote on the board. she practically gave us the slient treatment. those not in 4eb would not understand. but those who were there, should understand. everything is sosososososo horrible. she said she's even on the point of resigning. it's all our fault. all our fault. if we score better, we will not make her so angry, so disappointed.

9 passes. how can i even be one of them? i know my standard. i know where i stand. i know how well i do the paper. i know myself. no one else saw my script except me and the teacher marking it. no one know how badly i fare.

sorry mrs vannan. sorry. we're really really sorry.

chinese. CHINESE!!!!!! i'm sososososososososo disappointed in myself. i'm short of half a mark to make it to a C5. i'm sad. yes. i did not fail. but. O'levels are coming. if i'm going to get such a grade, if O'levels i'm going to get such a grade, what will happen? everyone says chinese is not important. BUT IT IS. how would it feel. a chinese did not know how to speak chinese. a chinese don't know his own culture. a chinese can lose to a caucasian learning the language, where the chinese has been exposed to almost since dayt one! even those caucasians are learning chinese. chinese is going to be more and more important. chinese will rule in the future. and i get such a grade for chinese? where i am going to be? i'm a chinese. and i don't know the language. I"M A CHINESE!!!!!!! yet. i brought shame to this race.

people would want to console me right now. but. it's no use. i alone know where i stand. no one knows. only i, in my current position, know how i feel. everyone says O'levels more important. all these are not. but this is a gage to O'level! everyone says O'levels work hard, will succeed! but. what if. O'level paper is even more difficult than school paper? what if, the unpredictable happened? what if.. a thousand 'what if's ran through my mind. but nothing could savage the situation right now.

i would like to say thank you to those who attempted to cheer me up. but as i repeat myself, i know where i stand. there's not a need to say anything anymore.

i know myself.